Here’s a definition for manners:  non-enforceable guides or rules of conduct that grease the cogs and wheels of human relationships.

That’s a mouthful but ‘non-enforceable’ is one point and ‘grease the cogs and wheels’ is the other.

‘Non-enforceable’: So far there is no law against passing wind (or wearing cheap perfume) in confined spaces… so far.

Probably the closest you’ll ever get to being forced to use or have manners is when a parent tells you to ‘mind’ them. That’s in an age when almost every aspect of human life is being legislated, from having ramps for wheelchair drivers to forbidding smoking. What’s interesting is that these endless laws do not improve the quality of human relationships and often worsen them. So why are they there? Probably someone’s power trip.

‘Grease the cogs and wheels of human relationships’: If you wanted to get even more basic you could say manners make people get along better by helping them to behave more considerately towards each other. Now we’re into the area of the Golden Rule, or what sociologists who get paid by the syllable call the law of ethical reciprocity.

Most religions and lots of philosophers have versions of this Rule. Here’s just a sampling:

Baha’i
And if thine eyes be turned towards justice, choose thou for thy neighbour that which thou choosest for thyself.

Christianity
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

Hinduism
One should never do that to another which one regards as injurious to one’s own self.

Jainism
He who desires his own good, should avoid causing any harm to a living being.

Islam
Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you.

Judaism
That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow.

Confucius
Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself.

Buddha
Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.

Socrates
Do not do to others that which would anger you if others did it to you.

Plato
May I do to others as I would that they should do unto me.

Must be something in it, hey?

Some twits like George Bernard Shaw nit-picked that the rule meant: Do whatever you like to others so long as you don’t mind if they do it to you.

But even George would have objected if he’d been locked in an air-conditioned car during a heat wave in Bangkok when someone dropped their lunch. On the other hand, George had a point because there was one person in that car who wasn’t gagging and choking…

Manners also get trivialized into meaningless guff like:

“Have a nice day”, “Take care”, “You’re welcome” etc.

These would become meaningful – and useful –  if they went:

“Have a nice day, even though our species is doomed…”

“Take care, because people like me are going to be doing everything we can to screw you over 24/7…”

“You’re welcome, but I totally expect you to repay me in kind at my earliest convenience…”

List of Manners

We all love lists – here’s the start of a list of non-denominational, non-ethnic, multi-cultural manners:

Don’t pick at and eat parts of your anatomy in public.

Save your methane venting for toilet stalls or vast empty, preferably windswept, spaces.

Don’t talk on your cell-phone when you’re in front of an actual living human being who deserves your attention because they’re right there in front of you.

Don’t criticize others in front of their friends, relatives, or colleagues.

Don’t get so hung up on your own self-importance that you become a pain in the ass to everyone you know.

This list is way incomplete – don’t just be a spectator – contribute!

In the interests public safety we also provide a link to this short instructional video from Japan on how to avoid fallout from your own farts without anyone noticing.