Yeah? Analyze this bitch!

It’s a measure of how low our society has sunk that psychologists still roam the earth. What will it take to rid ourselves of these noxious pests – more dangerous than H1N1? After having failed utterly to decipher humans in any meaningful way it seems now it is time for our dogs to be afraid… be very afraid.

What’s even more scary is that they get paid to roam and babble. Here is a classic upchuck of psychobabble, this time on the subject of dogs – you’d think they’d at least get something right. Or not.

Excerpt: ‘Inside of a Dog: What Dogs See, Smell, and Know’

This is a review in the New York Times on a new book Inside Of A Dog -What Dogs See, Smell, and Know by Alexandra Horowitz. I dare you to read the whole review. Here are some of the stunning revelations:

“A human being experiences a rose as a lovely, familiar shape, a bright, beautiful color and a sublime scent. That is the very definition of a rose. But to a dog? Beauty has nothing to do with it; the color is irrelevant, barely visible, the flowery scent ignored. Only when it is adorned with some other important perfume — a recent spray of urine, perhaps — does the rose come alive for a dog….” (So…you’re saying dogs don’t buy roses on Valentines? Astounding.)

“To a dog,” Horowitz points out, “a hammer doesn’t exist. A dog doesn’t act with or on a hammer (on a hammer?), and so it has no significance to a dog. At least, not unless … its dense wooden handle can be chewed like a stick.” (No way! Next we’ll be learning that dogs have no use for chopsticks or Rubik’s Cubes. My world is starting to disintegrate…)

“Dogs…sniff a lot. They are, says Horo­witz, ‘creatures of the nose.’ (So that’s what they’re doing…!)

“Dogs, she writes ‘smell time.’” (How do they do that???) “Odors are less strong over time, so strength indicates newness…” (Incredible. Hey, wait – I smell time too – that’s how I know when to throw the milk carton away… Whoa, does that make me a dog?”)

And here is a section that will fill you with guilt – or should that be weltschmertz?

“Though they have inherited some aversion to staring too long at eyes, dogs seem to be predisposed to inspect our faces for information, for reassurance, for guidance.’ They are staring, soulfully, into our umwelts.” (This sounds pretty scary until you realize that umwelts just means ‘your own personal corner of the world.’ Now when was the last time you and your dog had some real, quality soul-staring? Go ahead cringe and writhe with shame.)

That’s the most useful info the reviewer extracted from the book. Let’s just recap: dog’s have noses. They don’t use hammers. They don’t care for roses. There’s a message there for hardware shops and florists…